How Slovenia Wins the World Cup

Take the 32 countries that qualified for the World Cup and have each represented by an iconic living cultural figure rather than 23 footballers, and here are the results:

Group A:
1. Uruguay — Eduardo Galeano
2. South Africa — Archbishop Desmond Tutu
3. Mexico — Alejandro Gonzales Inarritu
4. France — Guy Baudrillard

Group B:
1. Nigeria — Fela Kuti. (Yes, I know we said “living”; consider this the equivalent of age cheating)
2. South Korea — Rain
3. Greece — Theodoros Angelopolous
4. Argentina — Che Guevara (Not the real Che, but the T-shirt image)

Group C:
1. Slovenia — Slavoj Zizek
2. England — Elvis Costello
3. USA — Bruce Springsteen
4. Algeria — Cheb Khaled

Group D:
1. Serbia — Emir Kusturica
2. Germany — Gunther Grass
3. Australia — Peter Carey
4. Ghana — Anthony Appiah

Group E:
1. Japan — Hayao Miyazaki
2. Cameroon — Manu Dibango
3. Denmark — Lars Von Trier
4. Holland — Johan Cruyff (the cranky post football cultural commentator)

Group F:
1. New Zealand — Jane Campion
2. Slovakia — Martin Skrtel (the cultural critic)
3. Paraguay — Monica Gonzalez
4. Italy — Bernardo Bertolucci

Group G:
1. Portugal — Jose Saramago
2. North Korea — Kim Jong-il
3. Cote D’Ivoire — Alpha Blondy
4. Brazil — Hector Babenco

Group H:
1. Chile — Roberto Bolanos
2. Spain — Pedro Almodovar
3. Switzerland — Jean-Luc Godard
4. Honduras — Karla Lara

Round of 16:

Eduardo Galeano (Uru) 3 Rain (SoKo) 0
Slavoj Zizek (Slov) 3 Gunther Grass 3 a.e.t. Zizeks wins 5-4 on penalties
Emir Kusturica (Serb) 2 Elvis Costello (Eng) 1
Archbishop Tutu (SA) 3 Fela Kuti (Nig) 1
Hayao Miyazaki (Jap) 12 Martin Skrtel (Slovak) 0
Jose Saramago (Por) 4 Pedro Almodovar (Sp) 2
Jane Campion (NZ) 4 Manu Dibangu (Cam) 3
Roberto Bolanos (Chile) 3 Kim Jong-Il (NoKo) 1


Hayao Miyazaki (Jap) 2 Jose Saramago (Por) 3
Eduardo Galeano (Uru) 2 Slavoj Zizek (Slovenia) 4
Archbishop Desmond Tutu (SA) 2 Emir Kusturica (Serb) 3
Jane Campion (NZ) 3 Roberto Bolanos (Chile) 2


Saramago 3 Zizek 3 a.e.t. (Zizek wins 3-2 on penalties)
Kusturica 3 Campion 1

Final: Zizek (Slovenia) 3 Kusturica (Serbia) 1

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16 Responses to How Slovenia Wins the World Cup

  1. Rojo says:

    First of all, WTF are you talking about??

    And secondly, dude, seriously, Galeano and Fela in the finals w/ Fela scoring a last second win w/ his horn. Just too fast for Galeano’s pen, as powerful an instrument as that is.

  2. Rojo says:

    P.S. I despise Zizek. A sloppy, contradictory, and far too self-congratulatory thinker, if you ask me.

  3. Now THIS is a World Cup that I’d travel to South Africa to see, vuvuzela in hand. And to Rojo, with all due respect, I’d say that Zizek, like Sartre before him, isn’t so much sloppy as he is disrespectful of conventional wisdom wherever he finds it.

    This irritates all sorts of people, even when he’s right, but right or wrong, he’s far more entertaining to read than any of the dead souls usually presented to us as cultural bellwethers. As for self-regarding, show me a public intellectual who isn’t self-regarding. It’s a sartorial necessity, like a golfer’s chartreuse trousers.

  4. Nell says:

    Gunther Grass, srsly? There’s no more vibrant cultural figure to represent Germany?

  5. Sean Smith says:

    Maybe if Jean Baudrillard had’ve shown up instead of Guy, France could’ve “replicated” it’s successes of past World Cups?

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  7. Tony says:

    Who Spam comment this web again I will report your website to google to be Deindex.

    Tony Karon.

  8. Maybe if Jean Baudrillard had’ve shown up instead of Guy, France could’ve “replicated” it’s successes of past World Cups?

  9. I think the coach owes the success of Slovenia.

  10. France could’ve “replicated” it’s successes of past World Cups? Nice of this

  11. It’s nice Tony karon.

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