You, Too, Can Invade Iran

If you see this man, kill him, quickly and quietly…

This from Assault on Iran, one of the latest offerings from Kumawar.com, an online gaming company that offers live-action missions that allow you to solve all of today’s geopolitical problems in a hail of bullets:

“Your mission is to infiltrate the Natanz nuclear facility in Iran. The site is underground, and much of what you’ll encounter has never been seen by military forces before.

“This is a dangerous mission that involves several undertakings. You must obtain the physical proof Iran is producing weapons of mass destruction to show the international community why this mission had to take place. The sample is weapons-grade enriched uranium, located in the scientists’ barracks. The area is heavily guarded, so move with caution, and utilize your night vision goggles to put yourself at an advantage.

“And then, it gets intricate.

“You have to extract one of your own—a scientist who has provided the US and its allies valuable information about Iran’s covert nuclear activities. Iran’s headline-grabbing activities have left the scientists and guards prepared for anything, including internal spies and US-Allied infiltration. Expect heavy resistance from every corner of the facility.

“Lastly, you must destroy the nuclear site and all traces of nuclear progress. Blow up the nuclear facility and make your way to the helicopter waiting at the extraction zone. The international community is counting on you. And the world is watching.”

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Take the toys from the boys, as the old saying goes.

I love the motivation they offer for doing this at all: “Iran, of all nations, doesn’t need a nuclear bomb. The only reason they could need one is to extort America out of the region or strike at us defensively, similar to what was demonstrated on 9/11. Our predicament is that Iran is not only intent on getting a bomb, but probably the most likely people in the world to actually use one. We have to do something, but the mission must have a small ideological footprint, one that won’t disturb the balance of power or the insurgency motivation in Iran.”

Uh, chaps — if the basis of “needing” a nuclear bomb is deterrence and security, you could argue that Iran needs one more than most, because it’s a target of “regime-change.” As for who are the most likely people in the world to actually use one, they might point out that only one nation has ever used them, the United States. And the U.S. also seems to be talking about using them again, albeit “tactical” ones that will supposedly destroy the nuclear facilities but not kill tens of thousands of people from radiation poisoning.

As for “small ideological footprint” — saying you could drop in a few commandoes and destroy a nuclear facility without disturbing the balance of power or raising the motivation for insurgency, let’s just say that “small ideological footprint” would be in your mouth.

But this is not reality, it’s just a videogame. Right?